The next morning Mother and Bob's parents insisted that Bob and I be married at once. When I refused to marry him, he seemed disappointed.

"But why not?" Mother wailed, her face pinched and pale, her brown eyes bulging. "After-” Then she sighed heavily,

"I'll tell you why not!" Bob said, red splotches showing in his tanned cheeks. He shoved back a lock of dark hair that had fallen across his forehead. Then he said furiously,

"She's in love with that girl Jan!"

The silence that followed was terrifying. I felt as if everyone present became only eyes. And the eyes were like beetles slowly crawling over me. I shuddered. Then I straightened my shoulders.

"Yes," I admitted softly. "I'm in love with Jan. Now you know."

Mother gasped. Bob's father clucked. And his mother moaned, "It can't be!"

In the half hour that followed, these people I had known all my life hung me upon a crucifix of questions. I tried desperately to make them see things from my viewpoint. But they used words such as "abnormal," "crime against nature," until my head felt as if those words were hammers with which they were pounding it. "All I want is what Jan wants," I said frantically. "To be allowed to live together, because we love each other."

Mother began to cry.

I felt sorry for her. I kept trying to explain. "To Jan I really feel married." I reached out my hands toward Mother, pleading for her understanding. She turned her head away from me and murmured, "This is monstrous! I never liked that awful creature Jan from the moment I saw her."

Thrusting his hands deep into his brown trouser pockets, Bob sneered, "I suppose you'll run to Jan 64

now.

9.9

"I don't know" I sought words, but none seemed capable of telling how I felt. Finally I blurted out that since Bob had raped me I felt as if I were unfit for Jan. Unclean! That I just wanted to die!

Mother and Bob's parents began preaching at me. They told me I must get rid of my "abnormal" ideas about Jan. That Jan had corrupted me.

Mother even had the nerve to tell me,

"Melba, as horrible as it was, it was an act of providence that Bob raped you. Now you'll have to marry him. And that will channel you into living a “normal” life.'

9.9

I stamped my foot, hot blood stinging through my body and flooding my face.

"That kind of life won't be normal for me! I'm— I'm like Jan. She and Iwe belong to each other." Mother told me she would die of disgrace if I continued to see Jan. She said,

"Melba, you must marry Bob and live a conventional life as your sister is living.'

Then I couldn't talk or argue or explain anymore. I tumbled to the scarlet carpet. As I lay there the redness faded to blackness..... Nothingness.

CHAPTER EIGHT

When I opened my eyes, I was lying in my own white sheeted bed. Even before I got up and tried the doorknob, I knew instinctively that Mother had locked me in my room.

That afternoon I was surprised when she opened the door and brought the phone to my bedside. She looked pale and drawn, but very determined as she said, “Jan wants to speak to you." She thrust the phone toward